eharmony
eharmony
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Joined: 2020/12/01
Title: New Member

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5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ending A Relationship

If you’ve ever gone through a breakup or divorce, you know the battle that is going on in your mind. There’re so many questions we ask ourselves that sometimes we get imprisoned by them. The challenge becomes to find the right questions to ask ourselves, so we’re able to make an informed decision to either go for a divorce and separation or to wake up and rediscover our relationship by finding ourselves once again.

The first secret to finding the truth is to ask honest and uncomfortable questions before we decide, especially in our love lives where all of our fears and wounds are magnified.

This is why I want to share the list of best-kept secret questions that my friend Alex Wise, CEO of Loveawake dating site, ask the women I work with one-on-one in divorce counseling before they end a relationship.

Here’re a few questions that are a MUST:
1.Will this decision make me feel better about myself?
Our love lives should contribute to our happiness, not replace it. When we end a relationship because it’s no longer filling the void that is only ours to heal, it’s a sign to reflect on why we’re using relationships as a band-aid or external validation.
2.Am I running away from facing my deep fears?
Relationships are the place where most of our fears get exposed. All the love we didn’t get as children manifest. All of our fears of abandonment that came from seeing our parents go through divorce show up. This is what you need to watch out for! Sometimes there’s a pattern of breaking off the relationship before it gets serious. The fear of intimacy or abandonment prevents us from building a beautiful partnership.

As a result, we choose a path of less resistance. We run away. We break up, take a vacation, dissolve in work, or suffer in isolation.
3.What’s the true motivation behind ending a relationship?
More often than not we tend to end relationships on premises of “my way or highway.” Living in the society where we believe that having fights is a bad sign, we can’t help but split up instead of using arguments that make us grow and learn more about ourselves and our partners. There is nothing wrong about fighting; it’s the way we fight that leads us only to the highway.
4.What am I missing?
It’ll always get a little bit worse before it gets better. In relationships, we often face a mental wall when it seems like nothing will take us out from this misery. We’re blinded by the stories we keep telling ourselves of why we don’t have what we want.

The stories prevent us from seeing the real reason. Those who find the courage to look beyond the self-centered pain is the ones who learn from their relationships. This’s what separates masters from disasters.
5.Have we ever put all cards on the table?
What I learned over six years of divorce counseling, infidelity counseling, and sex therapy is that too often we decide to divorce without ever having an open conversation with our partners. Especially working with infidelity in marriage, I see couples have conversations that they haven’t had in a while or maybe never. The question appears, “What stopped us from having those conversations then?’

We often try to look for our partners, yet we don’t seem to find them. Plus, we don’t look as hard. The next thing we know, the relationship is at its breaking point, and we’ve never had a conversation where we openly and bluntly share that we’ve been losing each other in sex, communication, or loving partnership.

Once you’ve had a chance to read, I’d love to know: what questions are you asking yourself? Looking back over your previous relationships, what question you wish you had asked yourself then?

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